are you feeling

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Oh dear lord. I'm doing that thing where I sit up late talking to a cute guy...

Oh god I'm going to get a crush.

Oh god, I'm making dorky smiles.

Take control. Such a beautiful surrender.

LololololololololololololololololololololololololoL

I am so fucked!

I am definitely over school. But at least now that I'm getting better and exams are over I might get something done. But of course, now I have new fun. University applications.... But at least my body of work is done! But then we have to do that bloody yr.12 night for it and walk around with name tags so people can ask us questions. Which means i actuallu have to look nice. Which means it's gonna take me forever to get ready.... See I can be a woman about some things :P I just don't see the need to act like a girl if you're into guys. It's just silly. ANYWAY. Back to the yr.12 night. It also means I'll have to stay behind to take down my work and then have to get up ridiculously early the next morning to go to the religion excursion.... Of which the only part I'm looking forward to is food, the halocaust centre (I don't know how to spell holocaust SORRY!), and of course being in melbourne which means non-bogan guys to perve on! thank the lord. And then I'll have work at 9am the next morning when we get back. Damn it this week is going to be fun and murderous.

I bought some books yesterday.
 
And i do love $3 books 
My only problem now is when i finally get a chance to read them I just don't want to do anything. 
Maybe I'll take advantage of the melb trip to read... that or play pokemon :P

In other news, I've actually been talking to a nice guy.
Yeah, he lives in wagga. But i guess thta doesn't been i should completely and utterly give up.
And there is many reasons for this.
1. He's damn fine looking
2. He is great to talk to. Meaningless and meaningful conversation.
3. He loves doctor who!
4. He loves pokemon!
5. HE CAN FUCKING SING!

In other words, I'm pretty sure he's a figment of my imagination.
Which if true would upset me greatly.



I hope I can keep control of myself over the next couple of months...
Take control of the atmosphere.
Take  me far away from here.
There's no better loss than to lose my, self in you.

Get out of my fucking head. You make my gut sink.

biology is a complete and utter bitch.

Look it's MUSE. Beautiful Matt Bellamy with his Manson and his glitter suit...
Fuck. Distraction is a bitch






Oops, now there is a sexy boy.

do you call them good distractions?

Well, I think I kind of, not completely on purpose, not completely without intention, asked someone on a date. Since when do I do that? This time a week ago I was ready to break down about I'd been broken up with for nearly 2 months. Now I'm asking someone out?










My life seems to be described by memes. But hey? It's true for the span of a week. Although I still haven't gotten a response, so I'm not really sure if I should be stressing out or not. He's definitely a sweet guy though.  

GO DO YOUR BLOODY MATHS STUDY JACK.

i wish this was synchronised with tumblr. How much better life would be.

It's been a long day
I'm absolutely achin'
To lie down next to my girl
and tell her all about it.

I had to stop at every single red light
I couldn't get a word in
When I finally saw the bars.
And all I wanted was you, you
And all I wanted was you, you

They say they have grave doubts
about everything I do.
They huddle and discuss me
Well maybe I should leave.

But in ten years, come and see where I am
I'll be standing with my girl
and you will all be lonely.
Coz all I wanted was you, you.
All I wanted was you, you.

It's been a long day,
I'm absolutely aching
To lie down next to my girl
and tell her all about it
one, two, three, four

I used to love that song. Kinda still do
Fuck you, for ruining it mate.

Being calm before an exam I believe is more worrying than being completely stressed.

the sticks and stones that wear us down often save our lives

one long paragraph.

So, I kind of feel like death right now. I don't think I've ever been so sick before, and I had to go and get sick during trials. Talking about testing times. LOL. Jack, that was a terrible pun, you deserve to be exiled. But yeah, nothing seems to be being particularly friendly to me right now. Like yesterday, after English, I went to do some test prints for my major work in Photography/Art. They had to take my number and call me back another time, because the person who specialises in Illustrator files was on break. Then, when I went to buy maccas in at Albury, their eftpos wasn't working. So being a nice brother I drove out to lavi to get Taylor her kids meal and something for myself. Then, today I go to do the test prints again and then end up having to come back tomorrow, with my posters saved in different file formats because Planscan works in an old bloody illustrator program. I am not having much luck. Kind of with how I was meant to get up early this morning to memorise lines of Donne's poetry, but ended up sleeping in. So instead of having around 20 lines of poetry locked away in my head for module A, I only had... 10? One of which I forgot as soon as I went to write it down at the beginning of the exam. I guess at least I did write all 3 essays. But, their lengths where pretty inconsistent. At least I have a day off tomorrow. I can recover a little for the hour and a half of hand cramp essay writing of art examination. Which I still am to even finish revising one artist for. Instead of doing that I am writing this rather long paragraph which I do not believe I will be bothering to break down into smaller paragraphs. What's more fun than making people lose themselves in very long single paragraphs. Kind of like my English exams, those paragraphs were very, chunky. Chunky, now I feel like cheese. But because of the sickness it will probably taste like brockili. Toothpaste this morning tasted like vomit, my ovaltine tonight, something creamy but overly sweet. EVERYTHING TASTES WRONG IT'S SO UNAPPEALING THAT I'M GOING TO CUT MY THROAT AND EVERYONE ELSES. Maybe I should be a real bitch and change remove all the spaces, then I'd like to see you bitches try and read this shit. What am I doing? This post has disintegrated into meaningless chatter. At least I haven't tried to rage about any ex's or something. I'm probably well past that after using it to write my creative writing section in the Belonging exam. It didn't even fit in with one of the stimuli they gave, IT FIT IN WITH TWO. And I don't think I distinguished which one I actually did, which means Robo's probably having a hell of a time working out to what stimuli I was actually writing about. Was it about hiding in a shell (coat) or how little things can hurt or help. I think in the end it ended up being little things, but I don't think I wrote than on the exam. HAWKWARD.

Ex predicaments.

I saw something that made me very angry and upset tonight. I actually felt like tearing up. And now I really really need to vent it because it is fucking distracting. Especially when trials are like 5 days away.

Today on my exboyfriends tumblr, I saw someone ask questions about "this guy." Yes, apparently after what is it? A month, 2 months? He has met this amazing guy that he sees a future with. And seeing that made me want to punch a wall. How can he be able to move on already? It still fucking hurts me just to see a picture of him, or a post he makes, even just thinking about him gives me a sick feeling in my gut. And yet he is able to move on, past me and straight to this guy he met in Melbourne.

What hurts the most about it is the way he feels about "this guy." Because they are feelings which are a hell of a lot more than he felt for me. I just feel like an intermediary. Somewhere between his first big crush, and the new guy he has fallen head over heels with. Yeah, if I told everyone about this they'd be like, "Oh! Don't worry Jack. You deserve so much better than him." But I find that incredibly hard to believe. I guess since breaking up with him made me realise that i definitely had some strong feelings for him. So to see him being able to so happily move on makes me.... angry.

Being gay sucks really. I'm sure if I met a guy, like he has had the chance to, this moving on process would be so much easier. But I have not met a single guy that will help me get over this. They are all either, women in men's shells, old, or some weird combination of the two. Not particularly what I'm after. And the good one's are too far away to be of any use. Surely there must be an easier way to get passed all this.

I was kind of hoping this would relax me a bit over the whole matter. Yet right now, the only thing that is helping is the music playing loudly into my ears and the bio summaries I am attempting to write.

i need to stop hiding. i am ready now, i am actually ready.

you can't win!

Everyone says its good to be unique
Have your own interests, be your own you
But honestly,
Difference causes a hell of a lot more shit than good.

Fuck you conformity.
fuck you individuality.
NEITHER OF YOU WORK.

lets just fucking do it.

There is no reason not to anymore.
no more reasons for putting off.
no more reasons for why did shit.
its all now or have to do it all again in a longer and more annoying path.

insert title here

i feel this year shall be a good year. If i do everything that will get me through hsc well, and i keep doing what keeps me happy and sane, i should be right. I have to make the most of the time i'm given and not waste it on things which im going to regret or feel stupid for doing. I need something special in my life. A freedom from all the normality im already afflicted to. But theres only one way thats going to happen, and i don't like what it'll take to get.

Ah the forced boredom of pocrastination

as i casually look through what i post i start to worry about myself.

new year. same shit.

I don't fucking get it. sometimes i seriously wonder why i put up with so much shit without the actually showing people what i am really feeling. I just lock it all behind a blank face. And then people think im angry or upset because i have a blank face. Well sorry, would you prefer if i punched you in the face? or would it be better if i turned into kristen stewart? so then i could have a blank face and people wthat ouldn't think what the fuck is up with him?

How is this going to be a brand new year anyway? whats any different?
I'll go to school.
I'll work.
I'll go to karate.
Get out on the rare occasion.
Do some exams.
Go on holidays somewhere.

and repeat.

Yes sure i turn 18  but i really do not give the slightest fuck about it. Wooh i can buy my own grog and smoke and vote for some shitty politician. Seems like alot of hype for not much really. Oh i can also get tats and piercings with all my own freedom. But the only one of those that actually interests me is a tattoo. Not that i could ever make a decision about what i would actually want. And honestly, i think it would be better if i was never given access to these things at all. I can take a rough guess that my life is going to be a hell of alot more enjoyable if im not given the right to become a drunk. Which i most assuredly will, considering some of the people i have gone that way.


Going back to school? Im not looking forward to it but i guess atleast i'll actually have something productive to do. It seems i miss out on too much away from school and karate. With people that would tell me things... hang on they never tell me things. So in other words, it seems i depend on stuff like school and karate to know what is actually going on. Because i don't find out any other way.

I have a very strong feeling nothing particularly out of the ordinary is going to happen in the next year. so i need to get into a routine now before i start going crazy. Hang on, but i am that already too.

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU....

eh.

sometimes i feel like just screaming out or breaking down and crying, or something along those lines. But it doesn't happen. it seems to get all bottled up and then i just look extremely exhasuted, or really mopey.or just fucking pissed off. Write now i wana just fucking yell all the shit out of me, but i don't know what to yell about. its like someone came along and just sucked up all my good mood and replaced it with, well nothing.

blank. just fucking blank.

and now i just don't know what to do. well it seems i must charge this laptop. but thats got nothing to do with me feeling so deflated.

shit.

moist

soup

so?
what is there really to say?

i wasn't built for this world, i'm slipping.

now what do you have to say.

Slowly, very slowly, like two unhurried compass needles, the feet turned towards the right; north, north-east, east, south-east, south, south-south-west; then paused, and, after a few seconds, turned as unhurriedly back towards the left. South-south-west, south, south-east, east.

Hi, mine name is Jack.
I like to spend my whole free week at home trying to do homework.
Well, i used to have a social life.
HA! don't lie emery

get outta ma box!

walking

Don't spend your life trusting what others say, give, or do for you.

To truely make it through this world unhurt, then trust in yourself.

Bring others along the for the ride.

But don't let them show you the way.

You'll find yourself stuck, hurt broken, injured, unhealable.

And it will take a long time for your wounds to heal.

if you want someone to follow,

then know who you follow will bring you just as much tragedy as they will bring you joy.

A person who will not hurt you,

is a person that will walk with you.

They will go their own way when it comes to it.

but every now and again your paths may meet again.

Because following will make you no different from the feet you follow.

And when the day comes and you realise you don't like what you've become,

You'll hate the person you follow and hurt yourself even more tearing yourself from their path.

Let those that come and go,

Do as they will.

Those that continue to walk beside,

well,

cherish them while they're there.

combine and mix well

the problem  i have with blogs is half the time i don't know what i want to write about.

That or i don't want to write about something because i'm scared that people will read it.
which they will, why else would a person post something. because it is going to be read by someone.
that is what a blog is clearly

Clearly private matters should generally stay in your head, or a diary if you have on.
Although my blog has almost become a diary for me. A public diary, but one all the same.
and then i get stuck about what to write. Like right now. I cannot think of a single thing to write about other than writing about having nothing to write about.

I JUST WROTE AN INCEPTION.

Well, my head is itchy. its quite annoying actually.
I feel like an ovaltine.
and food. lots of food would be amazing.
and i should be reading brave new world
FUCK I MISSED DOCTOR WHO TONIGHT!
and it was the one with capn' jack!
D:
sad face.

i think it would be bad if i just wrote down all of my thoughts.
that could end very badly, because well, thats why their thoughts.
you think out what ur about to say before you make it public.
But don't just think everything through. you need have teamwork between your mind and your instincts.

All thought you won't do anything

all instinct you'll do anything

its 2.39
wooh in fucked

i just wish everyone knew the truth.

almost confession

Argh!

How can there be the greatest people out there, that i would so want a relationship with. But then when it comes down to it the ones i do want aren't for me to have. They don't like me, or they live to far away, or im to fucking scared to talk to them. Or some other hindrance which stops any possibility of anything occuring. Meanwhile the people who do like me, well, in the moment it seems fair enough. But then after, I'm like

"Oh shit! What i have i done? I don't like this."
And then, well i'm fuckhead for messing around and being honest, truthfull, what ever yuou want to call it! If thats how it works, then why  would you come back and talk to me again anyway! Of course, not every person is like that. Some are great, amazing people. But i could not be in that form of a relationship with them. And facebook makes it all the worse.

Here is this website which tells you everything about the person. Their relationship status, if they like men or women, their likes, dislikes, birthday, religious view and political views (although most of the time people are just like fuck that to politics and religion. I mean, how can you take that view, clearly they are an option because it is a serious part of todays life! despite the scientific revolution, and somebody has to make up the rules. So you might as well take a point so you don't end up in a country with rules and taxes and shit you don't like it. And going "i don't give a fuck" does not solve it. Hello? there is a fucking sex party to vote for! surely you could atleast vote for it!)

Ok, now I've lost my train of thought. Oh! thats it. And because all of this is on facebook for you to see and read, you're accused of stalking when you ask about it.
First of all: everyone does it! Come on! don't be a hypocrite, you stalk people to. don't accuse other people of stalking when you do it just as often.
Second of all: If you didn't want people asking about this, then why did you post it publically for all to see in the first place? Why even put it in the worlds most public place currently?

And as well as all this, now all you have to do is start a conversation with the person you like, because you already know all these likes, dislikes, and shit thanks to their help by posting it on their profile (unlike you're like me and you work at places such as in a pokemart!). And they even make it too easy for you to start that conversation, thanks to live chatting and inboxing. Right now, i want to inbox them and ask them about whatever, in the hope that they might like me. And even worse, i want to do the same thing with another person, like backup! Now that makes me feel like a manslut. But guess what? thats what this world is like now anyway so you can't condone me for it. What happened to the days when you had to actually talk to people? When you actually asked them our for a date, not txted them asking if they wana go "dts."

And after all that complaining and shit i just said up there, well im to embarrased to make any moves. Not there it would make any difference. Unless I'm a bit more sharing in relation to some parts of my life I'm going to get nowhere. I really will end up as a lonely person with 40 dogs. No, not cats, dogs. I'm going to be a crazy dog person. Although, i don't think the "real me" would be as shocking to some people. I don't think it would be anything to anyone. Atleast if it was all out there and shit i may not be as single as i am right now. But, i don't want to just fucking jump in on the first person who comes. I want to find the person i wana know for ages. That could be more of a bestfriend to me than a partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, all those relationshippy terms.

Yes, relationshippy is a word, i just made it up. it is now a real world.

I'm fucked. I want a relationship, fairly soon too. But i don't want to jump in with any fucking person to come along. I want to wait for the right person. that doesn't solve anything!

What the fuck am i meant to do? Maybe i should just be honest about myself. It's not like i don't do that with every single other part of my life. I love who i am. It's me and its uniquely me, not anyone else. People have thought im a fucking weird kid who should just be picked on and ignored. But, now. Well, im still being ignored. But its a bit more, deal with him when you need to because he's an alright kid. But after that don't need to talk to him. But i love who I've become and would not change anything about me and have anyone tell me not to. Well, with almost everything. HA! i gues that is probably also inhibiting my ability to form a relationship with someone.

Where the fuck is the one I'm waiting for!? And how do i find you? Should i wait for you, or come to find you? No matter the cost it causes me, and the people i may lose along the way. Which i know i fucking will.

....

What's on my mind?


Well. that is a fine question to ask yourself mr. Emery.

  















This is not really on my mind. i just felt i needed to insert a picture, and i thought this was funny.
I actually don't know whats on my mind. Or my mind thinks i should not broadcast it to the whole world.
Which is fair enough. Maybe i should get a book, then i would have somewhere to put that stuff down.
But then i would probably lose and someone will find it and then well,
bye bye private life!


I need to rage about something. 
BUT F***ING WHAT?


there must be something aggravating me?
Falling off the stool, which i had on the chair to stick posters to my wall? no that was just stupid emery. 
My mind is just so distracted. too much going through, nothing is sticking.
















..... 

why say so much when sometimes it can be summed in one sentence.

HA

I HAVE A HEADACHE.


FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK.!

Velocaraptor: he's gonna' find ya', he's gonna' kill ya', he's gonna' eat ya'

2.00am

whhat the fuck am i still doing up for? doctor who, thats why.
All i know is, i do not want to go to sleep either.

control

what do we have control over? What about us is determined by our genetics? and what about us is determined by environmental factors? 

Are we all just slaves to the genes we were born with? is our personality prescribed to us when we are conceived? or does our personality depend on our experiences as we grow?

Physically?
we can change our hair
we can build muscle
we can change the colour of our skin
We can do just about anything to our bodily image, well atleast in this day and age.

Mentally?
sure, the people we grow up around can change us
sure, the environmental factors we're exposed to can change us

But, is our ability to learn pre-determined?
is our ability to cope given to us in our genes
is our ability to survive from pain in our genes?

I hate to think that deep down, the person i am now is thanks purely to the DNA my mum and dad gave me.

I'd like to think i am an individual person with interests and values and morals and a character which is strongly different to every other person in the world.

i would like to imagine my mind functions beyond what it is made up of.

 

Do i really have as much control as i believe i do?

Take control of the atmosphere
Take me far away from here
There is no better loss than to lose myself in you
In a parachute to glide, I am captive in your sky
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
You can take my world you can fill the air
Take control, take control

Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender

Move me up through the darkest clouds
Till I've lost in the sun every shadow of doubt
There is no better find than to find myself with you
In a fog you are all I see
I'm inviting you closer with each time I breathe
Surrender has somehow become so beautiful

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
You can take my world you can fill the air
Take control, take control, take control, take control

Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender

Take control of the atmosphere
Take control of the atmosphere
There is no reason I should breathe unless you're in the air
Take control

Such a beautiful surrender
Such a beautiful surrender
And I'm calling out
Would you take control
And I'm calling out

Control - MuteMath